• blaza84

    Jokes in English that are untranslatable into another language.

    --

    Why is 6 scared of 7?

    Because 7 8 9.

    • mr.nikdo  

      Na to je tady normalni vlakno.

      A nejak mam pocit, ze by tam melo byt Why is 9 scared of 7, aby to davalo vetsi smysl :-)

      • blaza84  

        nn, imho devítka už to má za sebou a teď je na řadě šestka :)

        • mr.nikdo  

          Ted mi doslo, ze ja to znam vlastne jeste jinak. Why isn't there Windows 9? Nebo tak nejak to bylo.

      • JakeF  

        Tak to vypadá, že se to spíš mělo jmenovat „Explanations of english jokes to people barely understanding english but having a strong urge to seem like they do“.

        • lukas aka mitro  

          No…co si budem namlouvat, lidi kteri zvladnou pochopit vsechny slovni klicky s anglicky psanem humoru moc nebude…a drive nebo pozdeji se chytne kazdy.....

          Tebou navrhovany nazev zni namachrovane, ale sam vis, jak debilne by vypadal.

          • JakeF  

            No dobře, tak míň rejpání a víc vtipu…

            An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling. The juggler notices the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, „Can you all see me now?“

            „Yes“

            „Oui“

            „Sí“

            „Ja“

        • mr.nikdo  

          Hehe, jestli je to na mne, tak zrovna tady mi jen nesedi zrovna ta 6. Jinak tomu rozumim ;-).

    • DoomHammer  

      super. ještě založíme zvláštní témata na německé, španělské, francouzské a esperantské ftipy

      • lukas aka mitro  

        Kdo jinemu jamu kopa, sam do ni bagr.

      • JakeF  

        Why did the Chef kill himself?

        Because he lost his huile d'olive!

        • saddik  

          Mno nevím, trvalo mi to asi minutu, než jsem to pochopil. Když se to francouzsky ± dobře, tak mi přijde, že to moc nefunguje :-/

      • JakeF  

        A Spaniard who speaks no English goes into a smart London draper's shop. The assistant says „Can I help you, sir? What can I show you?“

        The Spaniard shrugs and starts pointing at the various drawers.

        The assistant brings down a drawer of shirts. The Spaniard shakes his head. The assistant brings down a drawer of ties. The Spaniard shakes his head. The assistant brings down a drawer of socks.

        The Spaniard exclaims „¡Eso, sí que es!“

        The assistant says „Well, if you can spell it, why couldn't you just say it?“

      • JakeF  

        Two German spies are coming to the English pub during WWII. Before entering the pub, one of them says to another: „Remember, we are not Germans, so no schnapps this time, let's order the martini“. „OK“, – agrees another. So, they are coming to the pub and one of them says to a barman:

        • Martini, please.
        • Dry martini? – asks the barman.
        • Warum drei? Zwei!

        A esperanto už nedávám :D.

      • DoomHammer  

        eště taloše

        A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

        The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:

        „Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.“

        „You foul mouthed swine,“ retorted the lady indignantly. „In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!“

        „Hey, coola down lady,“ said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm

        just tellin' my frienda how to spella ‚Mississippi‘."

        • saddik  

          Dobrý, nějak se nemůžu ubránit tomu, abych to četl nahlas s italským přízvukem :)

    • DoomHammer  

      Angličtina pro začátečníky

      Rčení

      Damage to speak – Škoda mluvit

      Don't wake up a swan – Nebuď labuť

      Relax in the living room – Odpočívej v pokoji

      Where she married herself, here she married herself – Kde se vzala, tu se vzala


      Slovní spojení

      Unvomitable truth – Nezvratná pravda

      Welded wine – Svařené víno

      Hand-bag TV – Kabelová televize

      From-under-her laundry – Spodní prádlo

      Pulling birds (Towing Birds) – Tažní ptáci

      Poisoning mechanism – Trávicí ústrojí

      Selective driving – Výběrové řízení

      Crotch writing – Klínové písmo

      Guilty basements – Vinné sklepy

      Sausage of lovers – Párek milenců

      Goose burp – Husí brk

      Steering Committee – Kastrační výbor


      Osobnosti

      Paincelebrate Soup – Boleslav Polívka

      Tunecelebrate Littlecarrot – Ladislav Mrkvička

      Martin Give-a-present – Martin Dejdar

      Peacecelebrate Little Miner – Miroslav Horníček

      Fun the Titman – Švanda dudák

      Springcelebrate Hedgehog – Jaroslav Ježek

      Christopher the Bastard from After Spoons and Without Satellites – Kryštof Harant z Polžic a Bezdružic


      Věty a fráze

      She is lubricated like a fox – Je mazaná jako liška

      All the hydrogen probably made love in the solution – Veškerý vodík se asimiloval v roztoku

      He vomited a long postcard on her – Vrhl na ni dlouhý pohled

      Your eyes September – Tvé oči září

      She was sitting on between (She is inprisoned on between) – Seděla na mezi

      I am not smelling myself in my leather today – Necítím se dnes ve své kůži

      Stop knitting my head – Přestaň mi plést hlavu

      He afterdid himself – Podělal se

      World champion in tanks on ice – Mistr světa v tancích na ledě

      The train costs on every between – Vlak stojí na každé mezi


      Jednoslovní názvy

      Half-blame – Polovina

      Overgossip – Překlep

      Simplegreekness – Prostořekost

      Behind-without-baking – Zabezpečení

      Meeter – Potkan

      Spasmer – Křeček

      Neo-raked – Neohrabaný

      Aftersteak – Pořízek

      Undergater – Podvraťák

      Ghostess – Duchna


      Studentské překlady do češtiny

      Easter – Východňár

      Pubescent – Ten, kdo smrdí hospodou

      General Failure Reading Disc C – Generál Failure čte disk C

      I passed the exam – Propásnul jsem zkoušku

      Sportswear – Sportovní nadávka

      He stopped smoking – Přestalo se z něho kouřit

      Close relatives – Zavřete příbuzné

      To deliver – Odjátrovat

      Divorce of elektricity – rozvod elektřiny

      • lukas aka mitro  

        I am tired. – Jsem zpneumatikován (zhodnocení obrazu v zrcadle po vánocích).

      • tigermoth  

        Ještě: to eat yourself around – ožrat se

        Change letters c for p in the word popcorn and pronounce:-)

      • André Vebr  

        mé oblíbené:

        They are shitted at the cinema – se posrali v kině

        (Bernie) Ecclestone – hnusokámen

        „ta píše!“ (slivovice) – she is writting!

    • tigermoth  

      Do you know why there is always so much laughter after mushrooms?

      Because they are fungi:-)

    • mandak  

      I have been trying to Google some information about U2, but I still have not found what i am looking for…

    • vanderpoel  

      pilots of crashed chinese aircraft: Sum Ting Wong (captain), Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk, Bang Ding Ow

    • blaza84  

      I hate jokes about gypsies. They never work.

    • HonzaRez  

      Kdo to je ten Jokes…?

    • JakeF  

      Lingvistické okénko…

      Parlament francouzsky je parlement. Když si to rozdělíme parle-ment, tak to jsou dvě slovesa ve třetí osobě j.č. – il parle & il ment… Neboli on mluví & on lže… Leccos to vysvětluje :).

    • mandak  

      What's the KKK's favourite football team?

      Blackburn

    • Stingray  

      At an AC/DC concert…

      Brian Johnson: Are you ready to rock?

      Crowd: YEAH!!!

      Brian Johnson: I can't hear you!

    • podvlada  

      Italská angličtina je OK? :)

      One day I ma gonna Detroit to bigga hotel. I go down to breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pieces toast. She bring me only one piece. I tell her I wanna two piece. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piece onna my plate. She say you better no piece onna plate, you sonna va bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calls me a sonna va bitch!

      Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress she bring me a spoon and knife but no fork I tell her I wanna fork. She tell me everyone wanna fork. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fork onna table. She say you better no fork onna table, you sonna va bitch.

      So I go back to my room inna hotel and there isa no sheet onna ma bed. I call the manager and I tella him I wanna sheet. He tell me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheet onna my bed. He say you better no sheet onna bed, you sonna va bitch.

      I go to the check-out and the man at the desk say, „Peace on you“. I say, „Piss onna you too, you sonna va bitch. I gonna back to Italy!“

    • DoomHammer  

      12. One to screw it in, one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination, one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination, one to suggest the whole „screwing“ bit to be too „rape-like“, one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic, one to blame men for not changing the bulb, one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it, one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs, one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs, one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians, one to alert the media that women are now „out-lightbulbing“ men, one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

    • DoomHammer  

      Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, „Did Santa get you that?“

      „Yes,“ replies the little girl.

      „Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!“ and fines her £5.

      The little girl looks up at the cop and says, „Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?“

      The cop chuckles and replies, „He sure did!“

      „Well,“ says the little girl, „Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!“

    • DoomHammer  

      dupla, ale pořád dobrá http://img.memecdn.com/…o_450536.jpg

    • blaza84  

      Why does Britain like tea so much?

      Because tea leaves.

    • DoomHammer  

      I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat.

      She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

    • tigermoth  

      FAP = Forever Alone Party.

    • t29  

      How do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.

      How do you call a fly with no wing? A walk.

    • blaza84  

      Black people are like bicycles. They need a chain otherwise they won't work.

    • mandak  

      What's Mexicos National sport? Cross Country.


      I was walking by a car filled with black kids, and I heard a click as they locked the doors. I felt like such a bad-ass until I realized it was my car.


      Q:Why can't Mexicans play Uno? A:They always steal the green cards.


      Why are black people so good at Basketball? Cause all you have to do is RUN, SHOOT and STEAL.


      What do spongebob and an asian have in common? They're both yellow and cant drive.


      Q: Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses? A: Because they don't C#.


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